Getting Anxious- Our tickets are booked

Our tickets to St. Jude are booked. Kayla's Nana (my mom) is joining us since Denny can't come because he will be having his CNA test the same week. I just don't want to go alone the first time. Plus, it really is an incredible place to visit.  I think that bringing mom with me will help her to truly understand where we have been and what we have seen. It's one thing to tell people, and another to be there and experience this place first hand. Luckily, mom is splurging on a rental car so we can truly have a bit of fun. Kayla has already asked if we can go to the zoo and to the children's museum. I'm not sure how much time will be left after all of the appointments that we have booked. We shall see!

I really can't believe it's almost time. Just as school is getting more and more under way... just as our house is finally starting to feel like our house again.  So far, things at school have been going really well.  Kayla has in incredible teacher and has a lot of good friends in class with her as well.  We couldn't have asked for a more gracious staff to look over her right now. They have truly been amazing to us.   Both of the kids are doing fantastic so far this year. Kayla has been handling her full days in school great!  I am the one who is exhausted for some reason.

Last week, out of the blue, Kayla got "sick".  It was random. It hadn't happened since we first got home in July.  At first we brushed it off because she said that she just ate too big of a bite. School started on Wednesday and on Friday morning I got a call that Kayla had thrown up outside of her class room. Again? My brain immediately went there. "Oh no. How could this be? Please let this be a fluke!"   When I got to school, Kayla greeted me with a smile and asked if she could still go to the ice cream social that night. I was a little relieved. She didn't have a fever. I asked her what she thought caused her to get sick. She told me she choked on her scandi-shake (her high calorie shake that I make her when her weight dips).  Ok. Deep breath momma.... So I asked her if she wanted to go home with me or if she wanted to go back to class. Of course, she picked her class! That was it. Fluke. I was so happy. A little concerned as to how her classmates must have felt witnessing that after everything they know about her. I thought for sure they must be traumatized, but I was reassured that they were very helpful and concerned. The weekend was good! We had a very small impromptu birthday party for Anthony who turned 5 yesterday.  It was windy, but fun! I only regretted that I doubted myself. I thought the party would be kind of boring so I was embarrassed to invite more friends. I learned my lesson. I can rally at the last minute.

The night was winding down and I was left excited to celebrate the upcoming birthday. But for some reason, I had this feeling in the back of my head like there was a storm brewing... and then Kayla got a head ache. My heart started to race. My stomach was in knots as she cringed and pointed to a spot above her left eye. Maybe it was all the noise and excitement of the day? Who knows. I just sat there and prayed that it was another fluke. We have been warned. Warned many many times that every head ache and every vomiting episode would make our stomachs turn and make us fear the worst. Relapse.  I went to bed telling myself there is no way. Not now. Not when she has been thriving.  I pulled myself together and reminded myself that this could totally be a fluke and that tomorrow is a new day. Ok, I made that sound really easy. I promise, it wasn't.

When morning rolled around, Anthony woke us all up sobbing because he didn't want to wear jeans. I mean, can you imagine??? Then, in the kitchen, I forgot that I had already shaken the juice container and taken the top off when I decided to pick the container back up and shake it again. Yep, I was drenched. I think all the crying and me yelling over spilled juice totally negated the fact that I tried to make an awesome french toast breakfast for the kids.  Here we were left with about 15 minutes until we needed to rush out the door to get to school.  As I was cleaning the sticky mess off the floor while stripping down, I caught a glimpse of Kayla running to the bathroom to throw up. Now my morning was officially ruined. My stomach was immediately in knots and my eyes welled up... I was officially worried.  Once everyone got cleaned up, we headed out to the car. I kept trying so hard to smile and continue to sing Birthday praises to Anthony who so deserved some normalcy.  Everyone could tell that I was worried. I am not much of a faker.  On the way to school, I asked Kayla if she felt like the nausea was getting worse? She said, "yes". Ok, now I was really worried. Tears poured down my cheeks. I walked the kids to their classrooms and broke down to a few friends who had a moment to spare an ear. I felt terrified and desperate. I had to contact her doctors and see if this was something that they also felt might be concerning.

I sent an email and quickly got a response.  Thank goodness for our speedy team. I think they knew that I was anxious.  Kayla's Doctors believe that it is just too soon for her to be weaned off of her zofran this much. So, we were instructed to try upping it and see if that does the trick. The thing is that this treatment can still cause havoc on her stomach for up to a year after treatment ends. Of course, we are all thrown off by the fact that Kayla looks so incredible. Her smile is bright. Her color is great. And that hair!!! Oh how she looks to be thriving. So, sometimes I forget that we still need to take things really slow. I get caught up in trying to regain normal ground as quickly as possible. I guess we all want to make up for lost time, but it's not that easy.  I am happy to report that the new increased Zofran does seem to be doing the trick.

Soon we will be back on a plane headed to Memphis to play the waiting game. This anxiety leading up to "all clear for now" is torture. Again, we are reminded to just live each and every moment to it's fullest. For now, we can breathe.

 Early mornings before school. LOVE.

 Friends who offer to make Anthony last minute Birthday Cupcakes. LOVE.

 Pinterest. Love.

 Meow-meow face paint. Love.

 Turning 5 with a few friends who could make it last minute. Huge love!

Sunday morning giggles. LOVE!