Friday, February 24, 2012

I can't sleep

When you first become a parent, you are consumed with what is the right thing to do. What will make your child thrive in this world? What will make you be the parent you have always dreamed a parent should be?  Even if it wasn't planned out, you always try and put all of your best strengths into raising the smartest and healthiest child possible. No one could ever imagine facing the things we are. I thought I could. I thought I was grateful then...

I remember this:

Summer is ending. You buy new backpacks and lunch boxes. Some embroidered with your kids names. Some recycled or re-used. You pack healthy lunches and snacks. You make sure your kids have labeled sweaters or coats. You check that all papers are tucked in their backpacks to make it to where they need to go. You volunteer in classrooms or just drop off at the curb to rush off to work (or home). Maybe you have showered first? Maybe not... and you will do it after. It doesn't matter. Are you involved enough? Are you present enough every day? It's a struggle just to make the bell. It's a routine that we all follow.

When you have kids you sign up for this routine. This routine that is what it is. You sign up for it and you put in the effort assuming it will lead to them trying and hopefully succeeding. Soon, they will be off to college and beyond. You never imagine that before you even have the ball rolling that it might be yanked out before you to lead to a future unknown.  Sure, we all have a future unknown, but "this kind of future" never ever happens to us. We read about these people in papers or hear about them from friends... but it doesn't happen to us... I never thought it would happen to me.

I do know that there is a choice to live. To enjoy what gifts we are given. They are clearer for me now. Brighter. But no different. Maybe if Denny was suffering from allergies last year, I would have let him sleep on the couch. Maybe and probably because it is REALLY annoying (sorry Den) to have him snoring in my face all night...?  It's so sad that it takes something like knowing we will be apart soon to know that our time in one bed is precious enough to just endure it? Even after we get back into the Target House again, it will be our two twin beds pushed together in one room. It's not the same. It's not the same...........

Denny has extreme allergies to weeds and all grasses. I love that he tried to lay on the couch tonight so "I" could get a good nights rest. Last night was one that should have been video taped. I love and appreciate the gesture. The fact is, we only have 8 more nights to sleep in OUR bed together. I will not have him sleep on the couch to sacrifice his time there because of snoring or nose blowing. What ever!!! I am happy to have THIS time together. What ever it is. It's going too quickly and I will be missing this too soon. :(

We have scheduled the arrangement for my car to be shipped out to Memphis. We have decided that Denny and Kayla will fly out together on the 4th. They arrive Sunday at 6pm. They need to be in A/T for labs at 7pm the same night. THEN, they have an MRI at 6:45am the next morning! This repeats with FULL days in the hospital for 3 days... it starts to taper, but you can imagine the tests. We decided that Anthony doesn't need to be dragged to all of this. If all four of us are there, it doesn't really change anything. We will spend the next few days home... wrapping paper work up here at home which is ever daunting. Saying our good byes (For Anthony, this will be to his millions of stuffed animals). It will be a LONG, long time before we are back home kissing every inch of this house again.

Denny and Kayla will pick us up from the airport in Memphis in our car... our car! I know that having this piece of home will be very comforting to us. Hopefully it will make it out in one piece without too many new dings. I would have been happy to drive it, but it's getting up there in age. We wouldn't want to put the miles on it and risk being down to no usable cars. We feel that flat-bed hauling it is the safest way! Luckily, AJ and I will be fine at home the last week without a car since we have so much love here in Novato. We will be able to get around just fine. So, no worries. We will figure it out! Somehow roughing it in Novato seems SO much more do-able!

Kayla continues to THRIVE here. Her color is better. She is more active. She has gained almost 3 lbs. She is sooooo happy. We have some great plans in store for her this week. We are just soaking up every second. It's going WAY too fast.

I have SO many wonderful pictures of the time here at home. SO many. Here were two that just happened to be sent to my phone for easy access without downloading from chips and eliminating cords. This was from today at pioneer park. You can see how happy she is. How much she is THRIVING. Being home is medicine. Anthony is doing great too! Luckily with this age, he is along for the ride. Just make it fun... which we try very hard to continue to do. Thank you to ALL of you who care so much. Who take the time to send prayers our way. We feel them all. I read every single note. I can't thank all of you enough!

With much love, from home......


  1. I have never met your family and yet your story has touched me. I find myself checking in on you as often as my heart can take it. I am sending prayers for you. As a mother, I cant imagine your fear and pain. As a Woman I am astounded by your courage. As a hairdresser I realize the financial strain you must be under. I am sending so many good thoughts your way and donations as I can. Your daughter is lucky to have such amazing parents!

  2. Annie, thank you for your beautiful words. I wish they weren't a trade-off for your sleep, but they mean so much to read and hear. Thank you for reminding me and so many others to appreciate the small stuff, to love above all and realize what is truly important. By the way, I'm getting you guys a rental car for that car-less gap you were talking about... if someone hasn't already beat me to it! Seeing the hundreds of thousands of fellow viewers makes me think I need to get this reservation quick! I will give you a call tomorrow. Love, hugs, Lauray

  3. Your words touch us everytime we read your blogs. Thinking of you all the time and hoping this next week is relaxing and peaceful for you all. Give Kayla and Anthony a big kiss from their cousins!

  4. Dear, dear Annie - Thanks so much for letting us know as the plans fall into place...we readers are all traveling on this journey with you in spirit, a bubble of caring, healing love surrounding you and the family. As you so wisely know, being in a time of joy, love and hope is to be savored and saved, as reminders during the tough times that other days will come. We elder mothers/grandmothers talk of these good places, where everyone in the family has a roof over our head, food, meaningful work, time to rest and we love one another. Pretty basic. Love the creek pictures! xxooAuntieAnn