Monday, April 9, 2012

Just Keep Fighting

It's Monday. The end of a busy weekend and the beginning of the count down to this next incredibly unfair round 2. We go through the days wondering how we got here and hoping our journey ends well. Hoping Kayla's body reacts well to the treatment and that the cancer never returns. If she ends up with some side effects, that is to be expected. I just want to watch her grow... to be able to watch her hit all of the important milestones that people too often take for granted.

This past week has been incredibly tough as a few more innocent and loved children lost their lives to this unfair and unrelenting disease. I find myself sad this week and pretty down.  I ask myself how it is that I can go through some days smiling and feeling optimistic and happy... sure that things will work out! Then before I can get too comfortable in my thoughts, I am hit with reality that puts me right back in my place. Reminding me again that we are going through something so devastatingly hard. Something that seemingly will never end.  Maybe it's because it was Easter yesterday. I know watching the kids everywhere collecting their eggs was beautiful and sad all wrapped in one. I'm just so grateful that we have this amazing place to go through this journey. We are all in the same boat. All glad to be here but terrified of not knowing what our future holds. It's true for all of us. It always has been. But when it's right in front of you, it's hard to look away sometimes. Like a bad car accident. You know you should just keep staring forward, concentrating on the road in front of you, but you can't help but to look at the damage and feel sad, scared or even relieved that it wasn't your turn this time.

 The Easter Bunny surprised the kids here. We are still trying to figure out how he snuck in. And puppy didn't even bark!
 Kayla and Angiel getting ready to hunt for some eggs
 I have never seen so many eggs! Incredible!!!



 This is one determined girl!
Three bucket-fulls later... we are DONE! That's enough candy for one holiday ;)

As I sit here about to hit publish I just have to share this moment with you. We are sitting outside in the playground. The sun is shining. The birds are chirping! The trees are full of big green leaves. Kayla just shared with me that she loves multiplication. I am watching Denny, Kayla and Anthony run around the playground. Everyone laughing hysterically. Kayla has mastered throwing a football. She has a good arm for as tiny as it is.  Anthony is seriously amazing with a Frisbee! We are trying to decide if we should go to the zoo or play ping-pong. Oh wait, first a game of hide-and-seek. I am going to go and live in the moment. Time to turn this frown upside down! My family is alive and well right now. A day to truly be grateful for.

6 comments:

  1. I love you Annie. You capture every moment (good and not so good) and share with us. Thank you for helping us feel more connected with you, Denny, Kayla and AJ. We feel it too. We worry too. And the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming at times. We feel that too. Ohhhhh, so much.

    Just remember that each day Kayla is going through this curing process, she is one day closer to coming HOME. It helps me, and I hope it can help you too. Just that very simple thought.

    On a happier note, I was really working with AJ before he came to TN the first time and even during our short break in February to throw the Frisbee. We played Frisbee catch a lot, and he got better and better.

    Kayla will get better and better too. We have to believe that. She has all the tools she needs, and the most wonderful parents in the World beneath her wings.

    Love,
    Mom/Neena

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  2. The Gouldy FamilyApril 9, 2012 at 1:34 PM

    Your words are so thoughtful. Thanks for continuing to share. We check the posts every day. We continue to pray for all of you, especially sweet Kayla. Love, Chris, Jared and Jeffrey.

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  3. Keep keeping it real, Annie. Your strength is amazing. Each and every day you and the family are in my thoughts. I envision Kayla fighting and succeeding. You inspire me to turn my own frowns upside down and keep going even when I'm low. Know you are making a difference for more than just your child and your family. You make a huge difference to me too. Thank you! xxxx
    Love, Cate Parry (Kennedy)

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  4. Keep being strong and being as positive as you can be. God does have a plan for all of us, even if it seems really really unfair at times. Its funny, because my son is well, and I am thankful for that. Yet I still find myself always worrying -- when will I die, or when will he die. What if something happens to him, or my family. What will I do? Even when he is well I still worry worry worry. So I guess I wouldn't do so great in your shoes right now. You are very strong and brave. But one thing I have learned recently -- partly from your courage-- is that we need to live life in the moment, try to put our worries to rest, and enjoy the time on earth as much as we can. Much easier said than done, deff. Esp when you are surrounded by sadness at times. But think of all the kids who make it through, and the strength they have. Rather than the ones that don't make it. Also know that you are on a journey, and it may seem crazy and you want it to be over. But when things do get better and you are all safe/healthy/and happy at home-- you will probably look back and see it as something special. I feel that Kayla will make it through this, and be stronger than ever. And she will have a story, and knowledge that most kids her age don't have. Thank God you guys can all be together right now, it will be okay. Just remember the light at the end of the tunnel, now matter what happens and how bad you feel... the light is there. Never give up hope or let anything destroy your great outlook on life..
    Love you guys and hope and pray things will get better for you all.
    Krysta!!

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  5. It's been forever since I have posted, but you are ALWAYS in our thoughts and prayers! I can't imagine how helpless you feel. I am sure every day that you wonder why Kayla and why your family. Unfortunately, there is no reason and nothing makes sense. Your strength and resolve is an inspiration. Understandably, hearing other people's trivial problems that you would be grateful to have, drives you crazy. Just know that by you sharing your hardships, you touch others and help us to be grateful for our blessings and hopefully complain a little less. Our regret is that this realization comes at a cost to you. I am ever in awe of your strength! Almost every day I listen to that Justin Beiber song that you posted and pray for a better day. Stay strong! XXOO

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  6. Thank you so much for your posts and continuing to share every moment with us. I check every post, and we will continue our prayers and positive thoughts for your family and especially brave and beautiful Kayla. You and Denny are handling this with such beauty and grace, be proud and stay strong! HUGS!! ~ Teresa, Matt and Marcandre.

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