Day +4... and that's the only "+"

With an ANC of only 100, our brave girl continues to feel wretched. It's so hard to watch her gripping her stomach in pain and not being able to articulate a way for us to help her to feel any relief. She looks at us with pleading eyes trying anything she sees us agreeing on to try and help her find comfort. When it doesn't help, she is frustrated, sad, and scared the pain won't ever end. We continue to remind her that this is what has happened after each round of chemo and that the pain and nauseousness will go away eventually.  Telling her she only has one more round is no longer a comfort to her at all. In fact, it can send her into a spiraling whirlwind of emotion that she has to feel this again. For her, one more round is too much to bear. For me it is too because I am so scared and tired of feeling so helpless. The days are dragging along slowly right now...

Last night we tried something new. Instead of giving Kayla her TPN before bed, we decided to skip it and hook her up in the morning. We wanted to see if her not waking with a full bladder would provide her with the restful sleep she needs so desperately.  For the most part, it did help! She got a beautiful stretch of pure uninterrupted sleep from 7:00pm until 3:00am. Unfortunately, she woke up, got sick and that pattern didn't end... all day.  We can tell her tummy can't handle much more when her breathing changes and tiny whimpers and groans start emerging. I can only relate it to labor. They build and build until she finds temporary relief after "getting it all out".  I heard her pray a few moments ago for God to make her tummy stop feeling this way. I hope he hears her. I know that usually the first week out of Chemo is the worst. Like I said before, it's like watching a sad movie for the hundredth time (and in this case for the 3rd time). Even though you know the outcome, you still wish you could change it.

For the record, I hate this.